30 things NOT to do after thirty

In one of my many fits of procrastination yesterday, I realised it was only six weeks until my thirtieth birthday. Now, I’m fine with the whole turning thirty thing, I am, really. Honest. No, I am though. Well, mostly. Probably. Ish. And so in an attempt to distract myself, I thought hey, maybe I should write a list of things I want to do before I turn thirty and blog about it!

The only problem being that I’ve already done most of the things on other people’s lists which is a good thing, I know but left me with a bit of a dilemma. And the task of finding somewhere I can shoot a gun.

Anyway, during my research, I came across this Daily Fail (I’m not a fan on the Mail, remind me to tell you why sometime. Aside from the obvious reasons) list of thirty things we ladies should have given up by thirty.
All I can say is, bugger. In its defense, I think it’s quite old and you know, written by someone who WORKS FOR THE DAILY MAIL.
Here are my thoughts…

1. Chewing gum.

I don’t really but that’s more to do with never having it rather than being against it. My step-dad hates it though*, so I’ll let them have this one.

2. Wearing skirts above the knee.
Shit. Better throw out all of my wardrobe. Except the hotpants, it doesn’t specify no hotpants.

3. Saying ‘Cool!’.
Oh fuck off you miserable bastards.

4. Tattoos or piercings.
Am I supposed to get my tattoos removed? Idiots.

5. Clubbing.
Define clubbing? Oceana in Kingston on a Thursday night, fine, don’t go. But Crimes Against Pop in Islington on the first Saturday of every month? Teeming with us oldies.

6. Using make-up that comes free with magazines.
Unless it’s the Benefit prods that came free with Glamour, eh?

7. Flatmates.
Apparently everyone at the Daily Mail can afford to live alone. I can’t. Sod off.

8. Teen music.
Yeah, OK, you can keep The Beibs.

9. Wearing trainers.
Hmm, I don’t wear them so this is tricky. Time and place, maybe it’s OK.

10. Biting your nails.
No one should be doing this, regardless of age. Next.

11. Dying your own hair.
Again, I keep forgetting how rich Daily Mail readers ALL ARE.

12. Having driving lessons.
I didn’t pass my test until I was 26, my friend until she was 28 and yet we just drove to Canada and back. Sod that.

13. Reading Chick Lit.
No comment. Why I oughta…

14. Texting.
Idiots.

15. Blind dates.
Really, the blind ones are the only ones I have hope for these days.

16. Silly nicknames.
So I should stop calling my friend Wolfmother?

17. Microwave meals.
I don’t have a microwave but there is no shame in the odd ready meal. Next.

18. Holiday romances.
Because all Daily Mail readers are rich and married and never make mistakes. Forgot.

19. Listening to the Top 40 on a Sunday.
I think this item most adequately demonstrates that this list is from The Olden Days.

20. Flashing your G-string.
To be fair, this went out with bald Britney. Keep up, Daily Mail.

21. Listening to Radio 1.
Poor Radio One…

22. Wearing T- shirts with cheeky slogans.
Yeah, no argument here except I’d like to extend it to all of humanity please.

23. Sunbathing topless.
Personally, I think it’s just a bit tacky and you know, cancery, but if it floats your boat… And aren’t all nudists over 30 anyway?

24. Pigtails.
Hmm, I’m torn. I can’t get away with it but I know women who can. Probably best not to though.

25. Crying at work.
File under ‘Daily Mail employees may not emote in the workplace’

26. Getting falling down drunk.
I never fall down.

27. Staying up all night.
Apparently these people have nothing worth staying up for.

28. Listening to a too-loud personal stereo in public.
But I deafened myself in my twenties! How else am I supposed to hear it?

29. Catching the night bus.
Apparently if we can’t afford a cab we should leave earlier. Again, entirely rational response to people who can’t afford fifty quid for a taxi but don’t want to go home at eleven.

30. Being a slave to fashion.
I agree you shouldn’t wear something if it doesn’t suit you but that doesn’t mean you can’t still take chances and try out new styles in your thirties. Like velvet headbands and calf length skirts and a nice blouse.
And a lovely job at the Daily Mail.

Any suggestions for my list? So far I have ‘shoot something’ and ‘watch the sunrise’. It’s neck and neck as to which one of those my friends are more surprised that I haven’t done already.

*mostly because my step-father has false teeth and is jealous of everyone who can chew chewing gum.http://0

7 Comments

Add yours →

  1. That was really funny!!! I really like your writing style!

    I am about to review your books under my Phoebe Fox name very good books! Will post a link to your facebook page or twitter page when its up, or if you would rather read it first let me know!

    Like

  2. elleslittleworld August 23, 2010 — 4:59 pm

    Possibly one of the funniest things I’ve read this week 🙂

    Like

  3. I think the writing world needs to pay higher salaries, if a brill writer with 3 great selling books cant afford her own apartment!! Poor linds. x

    Like

  4. “shoot something” – This sounds amazingly ominous 😀 Any old something?

    Like

  5. Have a ” 30th in denial” party ( in other words a 31st – after all you probably had a 21st right ?!). I did and I wonder what the Daily Mail would make of my ‘Gettin’ Wiggy wid it’ party where everyone had to wear a wig to be let into the party, slurpees, a wrestling ring ( for the boys to wrestle and for me to laugh at them ) a dance floor, daggy 80’s music, a Shrek cake and fairy bread. My flatmates were there btw 😛 Daily Mail !

    Like

  6. this really cheered me up on a decidedly crap day 🙂

    Like

  7. omg!! am 30 in 3 months time……don’t think i will ever grow up! thanks for the fun article, cheered me up loads. xx.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: