Valentine's Day

I feel obliged to weigh in on this every year. I don’t know why. I feel obliged to weigh in on most things to be honest. My friend’s relationships, stranger’s outfits, WWE storylines. Loads of things.

I’ve come to the conclusion this year, that valentine’s can’t win. Like with most things in life, all you can do is either be really stupid – ie, one of those couples that revels in giant stuffed dogs, padded cards and overpriced heart shaped boxes of chocolates – or you can not give a shit. In which case, everyone else will give a shit on your behalf and you’ve still failed.

If you’re in a couple, it’s tough. I’ve always been a ‘oh, it’s just a rip off and we don’t need to buy tacky cards and expensive flowers to know we’re in love’ but like any gal, I’m totally susceptible to a grand romantic gesture. And a grand romantic gesture to me does not mean hanging an ‘I Love You Lindsey’ banner from the Brooklyn bridge. It could mean cooking me dinner (even if you’re dreadful) or making a mixtape. I’m so impressed by a mixtape it’s not even funny. I would also much rather go to the dinosaur exhibit at the museum of natural history than for a fancy pants but ultimately shitty prix fixe dinner. Anyone who wouldn’t IS A FOOL

As for the singles… you can’t win. You should just resign yourself now to staying home, not acknowledging the day in any way, shape or form and pretending it just isn’t happening because otherwise, the media will be forced to put you in one of two camps – angry spinster or Jennifer Aniston. There is no in between. You can be the most secure, happy, successful woman on the face of the earth 364 days of the year but on Valentine’s, we all know you’re a blubbering mess, eating chocolates and choking down wine while watching Pretty Woman. Or even worse, you’re out with your girlfriends, all gussied up, drinking yourselves blind and bellowing ‘I don’t need no man’ while snapping your fingers.
None of this may be true but the powers that be have decided otherwise for you and they’ll be damned if you’re going to be an individual.

There is actually an alternative to all of this. Just be born a man and then NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK.
Sigh. Jello.

2 Comments

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  1. Best onesie ever! 🙂

    Like

  2. So sad but oh so true… A day to stay in bed

    Like

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