Now, you all know I heart Christmas but guys, I also really, really love birthdays. I mean, aside from the unassailable horror of Getting Older, what’s not to love? People are nice to you, your Facebook feed Blows Up and you get to eat more than you should and buy yourself things you blatantly can’t afford. OK, well, maybe that’s just me but still. Anyway, I was chatting to my lovely friend OMG Bren yesterday and we were discussing all the weird things you’d go back and tell yourself ten years ago and it really got me thinking. Obviously, because we are very deep and intense people, our convo focused on frosted taupe eyes hadow and home bleaching but still, it got me thinking. Who was I ten years ago and what would I like to go back and tell myself? These were the key points I came up with.
Being Not Sad isn’t the same as being Happy
Just because you don’t hate your life every moment doesn’t mean you love it. Realistically, when I was 22, turning 23, I was probably more miserable than I had ever been in my life. I was working in PR for some not terribly nice people, I wasn’t happy in my relationship and I felt like I’d lost track of what I wanted to do with my life. But because I wasn’t dying in a gutter, I thought maybe things were OK. If I could, I’d totally go back and tell me that things would get better but the only way that would happen was if I made them get better. That was a tough lesson that took me far too long to learn. It’s not working now and it’s never going to ever I spent six and half years with my ex-boyfriend and I’d hazard a guess to say we were happy for about a year of that, coasting for three years and miserable as sin for two and a half. You cannot stay in a relationship with someone for the sake of being in a relationship for longer than Breaking Bad was on TV. I thought that if I persevered, things would work out. I was wrong. I’m not saying good things can’t be saved with hard work but ladies (and gents) when you know, you know. And I knew. Mostly because I had a massive crush on my hairdresser. That shit’s not right.
Home bleaching is self-harm
I think this one is self-explanatory. Step away from the box bleach or I’ll tell you about the time my friend tried to touch up her roots and fell asleep, only to wake up and find half her hair burned off. Same goes for the turquoise eyeshadow, black liner thing you try to pull when you’re working in beauty PR. It’s doing you no favours and no one is going to tell you.
No, you aren’t at the top of the career ladder yet but DUDE, YOU’RE TWENTY-THREE
I was (and still am) an ambitious little shit. Having always done well in school, it literally caused me physical pain to have to go to work and be put in charge of answering the phone and keeping the envelopes restocked. But now I realise we all have to do these things. And one day, when everyone is over The Devil Wears Prada and they are all in the cold hard ground, I will write about the three worst female bosses ever to have graced the earth. I had them, I hated them, I went into the office with a smile on my face. Never Again.
One day you will move to New York and there will be far fewer spiders in your living space
I have a debilitating fear of arachnids. I don’t even like writing the words. When I was 23, one got on my FACE while I was in a TOWEL. I basically had a complete emotional breakdown and scrubbed off half my skin after bashing it to death on the toilet seat. It was a fun time. I’m over it now. Because I MOVED COUNTRIES.
One day you will fall in actual love with a man whose wardrobe you don’t need to ‘edit’ while he’s at tennis practice
So calm down, it’s OK. But while you’re throwing out his promotional tees and granddad shirts, maybe get ride of some of your one shouldered tops and anything you bought from the Monsoon sale section. And all the chiffon. What’s with all the chiffon, for realsies? Stop shopping in Warehouse, their clothes don’t fit you. But soon you’ll lose fifty pounds and then their clothes will fit you. But they will suck.
You will get over the end of Buffy
But Sarah Michelle Gellar’s career will never be the same. And The Strokes will never put out an album as good as Is This It but you’ll find The National eventually and it’ll all be OK. I know you’re bummed about Reptilia but really, it’s going to be fine.
And no, there are no photos of me from when I was 23 because it was a DARK TIME and I looked AWFUL. They have all been burned.