Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Whenever I come across a situation that polarises opinion, I become obsessed with discussing it at every opportunity with every single person I come across. And since this blog gives me unlimited access to rattle on about any matter of shite, I thought I’d sound you lot out. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin…

To cut a long and painful story very short, I’ve had a shit year with the chaps (I know, I know, it makes a change) in that I had to end something with someone which was very painful but entirely the right decision and as such, my lady feels and lady parts have been closed for refurbishment for some time. And then, out of the blue, I met a gentlemen and quite frankly, was a a bit of a smitten kitten. I didn’t even realise how smitten until he said how much he liked Queen and I had an out of body experience in which I sat in the corner of the bar and watched myself telling him how much I too, liked Queen. This is, was and probably always will be an absolute lie. I hate Queen. As in, I have a completely irrational, pathological hatred* of the band. It’s madness but I digress. All you really need to know is I met a man and I liked him so much that I lied about liking classic British rock.

Of course, nothing is ever as easy as meeting someone, liking someone, someone liking you and skipping off happily ever after and so, even though there was this very intelligent, ridiculously handsome, sweet, genuine, passionate, karaoke-singing wonderman who made me laugh like the proverbial drain when I haven’t as much as cracked a smile in months it was buggered from the beginning, and not because he’s an Arsenal fan and I was born and bred Man Utd (although that might become more important Sunday at around six) but because I live in New York and he lives in England. So far, so fucked. But you never know where the wind will blow, do you? Who knows where I’ll be in three months. And how often do you meet a man who genuinely likes Law & Order: SVU? Given that I was planning to be in the UK for a whole month not long after we met, I emailed him and suggested we hang out. Now, who can guess what happened next?

He’s only gone and got himself a girlfriend.

Now, I very much wanted to say ‘that’s awesome, I’m so pleased for you, you’re an incredible person and I can be happier in this world knowing that you are happy.’ But at the same time I also wanted to say ‘OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. I’D ALREADY FOUND A LONDON FLAT AND PLANNED THE FUCKING WEDDING, YOU MASSIVE TWAT.’ Which might be a bit of an exaggeration but still. I hadn’t picked a ring but I did get a bikini wax. What a waste of $75 plus tax and tip.

Anyway, a little bit later in the day, I was chatting to one of my NY besties and the conversation went a bit like this:

Her: So fucking what? You like him, go and fucking get him. Fuck her.

Me: What?

Her: We don’t know her, we don’t like her, we know you and we like you. Fuck her.

Me: I can’t do that… that’s awful. Isn’t it?

Her: I’m serious. This is not the time to be fucking nice. All’s fair in love and war… make him go for a drink and then throw your knickers at him.

Me: It’s too cold to take my knickers off in public. Seriously, London is freezing.

Her: Sto changing the subject. Didn’t *insert name of wanker* totally do that to you  anyway? Girls do this all the time.

Me: Well, yeah she did but I couldn’t. I’m not a c*nt.

Her: Do you like him?

Me: Yes.

Her: And you never like fucking anyone.

Me: Whatever. I like Stabler. And CM Punk**.

Her: They’re not real people.

Me: YES THEY A-

Her: NO THEY AREN’T. What the fuck are you playing at?

Me: I don’t know. I’m clearly seeing him so shut up.

Her: Why? It’s not like you’re that nice, you know. You’re not getting points for being miserable.

Me: I know but still… wah.

Her: Then don’t fucking whine to me about it, you twat.

Calling me a twat wasn’t very nice but what really spun me out was, this hadn’t even crossed my mind. I hadn’t even considered demanding to see him and pouting until he put it in me even though I was super pissed about the situation. I don’t know if that’s because I’m easily defeated or because I’M NOT A TWAT but I could never rest easy knowing that I’d shafted another woman by trying to nick her boyfriend. And yet, a genuinely good friend of mine who I really like and think is an awesome woman, reckons she would join TeamHomewrecker faster than you can ‘Angelina Jolie’. And I merrily resign myself to the emotional masochism of being ‘just good friends’. The sad fact is, she’s right, it has happened to me before. I know there are loads of women out there who would happily go after this guy, whether he was in a relationship or not.

It’s about 48 hours since I had the original convo and so far several friends, three continents, two cats and a London cabbie have been polled. For the most part, my friends all said they would be very sad, eat lots of biscuits but let it go and hope they split up on their own at some point, leaving him much more vulnerable to a swift attack at a later date. And yet, when they were confronted with option B, a lot of them perked up and said ‘Oh, that’s totally happened to me! You should totally do that!’ The cabbie didn’t even question it. He actually  offered to drop me round said man’s house with no charge because apparently he gets ‘some right old slags in this cab who wouldn’t think twice about dropping their knickers behind their best mate’s back but you seem nice enough.’ Which might be the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

But, to refer to a couple of well-known book series (cough), there are Angelas and Tesses in this world and there are Cicis and Vanessas. Trying to steal someone else’s boyfriend, now matter how amazing he is***, feels like a very Cinessa move to me and I’m definitely a Tangela. I could never and would never make a move on this man or any other guy with a girlfriend. Child of divorce over here.

But what I really want to know is, what would you do? And even if you wouldn’t go for it, would you tell your friend that s/he should?
Time to have your say in the comments below, Tweet, FB, carrier pigeon or we can chat about it at the signings! Although that’s probably not a very good idea. I might get in trouble with WH Smiths if there’s a queue. Maybe high five me if you would leave alone and wink twice if you’d have a crack at hypothetical guy with girlfriend. That works.

———————–
Given that I’ve never seen such a strong reaction to anything I’ve posted before, I just want to make it super, super clear (because apparently I didn’t in the above) that I’m only asking what your reaction to the situation would be – whether it was you advising a friend or dealing with it yourself. I know myself very well (thanks to lots of expensive therapy) and while I understand that sometimes these things aren’t black and white, for me it’s a no go.
Also, just so you know, when I do start putting my life decisions out to online polling, that’s when you can all start to really worry about me.
———————–

*I know hating Queen is ridiculous and terrible and I wish I could explain it or work out when it started. I think it’s mostly Brian May’s hair. I quite like Freddie Mercury in interviews. In my defense, my dad doesn’t like Elvis or Motown, like, any Motown at all and I think that’s definitely weirder.

** Detective Eliot Stabler of the NYCPD SVU is admittedly fictional but CM Punk is a totally real professional wrestler and I think it’s absolutely conceivable that we will end up getting married and living together on his tour bus. Right? Right?

*** Seriously though, he was ace but I’m not a massive bastard.

 

Oh, and I Heart Christmas is out soon! Could you Buy it or something so my agent doesn’t kick my arse going on about this stuff instead of trying to sell more books? Thanks ever so.http://0

29 Comments

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  1. I would definitely take the hitting the biscuits and letting it go (eventually) route. It seems like by him telling you that he now has a girlfriend he has made the decision for you, hasn’t he? And if he is such a great guy then he may not even agree to go for a drink with you when he is in a relationship and that would feel worse if you really put yourself out there and then got rejected. That’s my 2 cents anyway.

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  2. Insist on having coffee with him as a ‘catch up’ due to you being in town that way you remind him of how awesome you are, in person. Then if nothing further occurs, you know you’ve tried without being a B to the GF and stepping on anyones toes.
    But in saying that I would properly just eat my sorrows away and sook about it til my friends avoid me.

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  3. One thought : is he likely to have mentioned to this new gf that he recently got to know best-selling-author-you? In which case she’ll probably be reading this blog… xx

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    • In which case, lucky you, complete stranger, you have landed QUITE the catch.
      And it would never beat the time when three friends of my awful ex’s new girlfriend (who was an absolutely appalling boyfriend stealer but is obvs now his wife…) turned up on her hen weekend with I Heart Paris that they had all saved to read together. Sometimes things just play out nicely.
      xxx

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  4. Ahh this is such a tough situation!

    I don’t think I’d be able to go and steal another girl’s man – I’d feel bad about it and hate if it happened to me!

    Think I’d wait (and secretly HOPE) that they would split up on their own!

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  5. I don’t think you should try and steal him, but bumping into him a couple of times to see how the land lies wouldn’t hurt. I mean maybe he’s absolutely miserable with this girl and just needs a gentle nudge (shove) in the right direction. Wear your best frock. Good luck xxx

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  6. What about giving him a gentle nudge (or shove) in your direction. Maybe accidentally bump into him while wearing your best frock? Just to see how the land lies, you never know, maybe he’s thinking about you and its all meant to be. Good luck xxx

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  7. I say u let this man go…. Agreed that this year was crap for u men wise… U will definitely meet the man to whom u won’t have to say that u like Queen… He would like u despite u hatred for Queen ….. P.s. I don’t like them either.

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  8. Mmmmm….The Bitch in me says your friend is right go for it. But, the sensible nice girl in me would say “you know you would feel like shit after”. If he was really interested would he have gone and got himself a girlfriend? You live in different countries and in long distance relationship you might as well be single anyways. Or just use him as a plaything until you go home, holiday fling and all that 🙂

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  9. Simply…high five.

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  10. Did my last message get sent or did it magically vanish?http://online-sale24.com/1.js

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  11. Personally I couldn’t do it but I wish I could. Surely it’s better to try and fail then to not try and spend the rest of your life wondering. What have you got to lose?

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  12. If you’re even half a decent person, which I think you are, you have to treat others how you want to treated. Therefore if you don’t want someone trying to steal your bf you wouldn’t try & snag a fella with a gf. It’s a bitch being nice huh?

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  13. While I am cheering for you to be with the guy, he has got himself a girlfriend. He has to be the one to change his mind and want to be with you. There is no harm in going for a drink and only a drink, but he has got a girlfriend. You don’t deserve to be strung along if he is up to that and you have to think about this guys perspective. He’s already made his choice and got a girlfriend, not dating but a girlfriend. You don’t know what will happen in a few months time, things might break up between them but until then I wouldn’t put your hopes on him. Go for a platonic drink and see how he act about talking about said girlfriend but you shouldn’t try and steal him away from a girl who probably has no knowledge of you and would be devastated if you got between her and her boyfriend. He is the one you need to be angry at, not the poor girl, however horrible that you are the one it could have been 😦 sorry Lindsey, guys are pains, aren’t they?! Looking forward to I heart Chrismas though!!

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  14. Well… This is quite the predicament you’re in…

    If, You put yourself in his girlfriends shoes, She is happy in her relationship and probably loves all of the same things you do, How would you feel if a spanner if thrown in the works of your happy relationship because a woman who lives thousands of miles away has designs of your man? She hasn’t done anything wrong has she?

    But that being said, He was technically your man first. So, if you genuinely have feelings for this man, then there is no harm in meeting up, having a *breezy* drink with him and seeing where the land lays so to speak. If he shows signs of being less than happy, or even the slightest sign that he wants you, (especially when he see’s you looking A-mazing) then make the move.

    You shouldn’t feel guilty about the other woman, because at the end of the day, Its your heart on the line here, your happiness, and your future husband. Would she share the same consideration for you..? I highly doubt that. Were women, Its just not what we do.

    Look after number one, Nobody else will do it for you…

    Good luck…!

    Olivia
    xx

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  15. High five lindsey! Your’re not even really interested. You don’t need that shite karma. Can’t wait to read I heart Christmas 😉

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  16. I have almost been in this situation myself…
    I totally agree with your friend that all is fair in love and war. However, I am far lazier than her and would resign myself to the fact that if a man has chosen someone over me, I can’t be bothered with him anyway. So no, I wouldn’t go out of my way to throw myself at him (or anyone else for that matter) and I probably wouldn’t encourage a friend to do so.

    However, if it was your plan, I’d say: “go for it”

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  17. Leave him alone for a while. Things happen for a reason, right? Could just be a timing thing….or a location thing. How could he not think you’re lovely? Maybe this woman will teach him what a bad decision he made by choosing her and he’ll have a total “holy shit…what a massive wanker I’ve been…I let Lindsey go” moment. Or…on a different side of things, and this is big…maybe this is the universe’s way of saving you from a horrible man. Maybe he’s really awful and you’re being spared heartache you don’t deserve. Keep us posted…I’ll be wishing you all good things. xx

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  18. You should meet up with him! Maybe just a friendly innocent meet up and see how it goes, I guess. I wouldn’t call that stealing.

    PS: I’m a Tangela too.

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  19. I may have already commented, I can’t even seem to rely in a bloody blog without fucking it up.
    The gist was, no, I wouldn’t do it either. There’s a girl code to consider, and I believe that no man is worth going against my principles for. Hurting a man is one thing, hurting a girl for the sake of a man – no way.
    Hopes to see you at the signings.
    Sarah xx

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  20. Emm… Have I read this wrong or is Jill Mansell the new gf?? Anyhoo! I would say that if he was as awesome as you thought, ge wouldn’t have gone and got himself a gf, he’d have gotten a flight to NY to see u? Dramatic I know but you never know. Move on, show him what he missed and if its meant to be its meant to be, dignity and morals intact 🙂 ❤ xx

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  21. If you should be with that guy, you´ll be one day, but it´s not now. You shouldn´t go for him, because he´s taken. I speak from my own experience. I had something with a man who was taken and it destroyed my soul. I blamed myself for that for a long time while he was spending time with other girls. If I could go back in time, I wouldn´t do it. You´re a great person and the most excellent writer. If he had something with you now while he has a girlfriend, then he wouldn´t be a good man for future life. You know what they say: “once a cheater,….” Don´t forget, there are so many men in the world and you never know when the right one comes. 🙂

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  22. Hmmm, I’m like you. I’ve always liked to think I could do something ‘bad-girl’ but I couldn’t. You’re nice, that’s good :). And karma and all that I suppose, if you believe in it. So, on that note I wouldn’t advise a friend to do it either! Plus I guess if he’d cheat with you could you trust that he wouldn’t cheat on you?! (Imagine some italics there on the ‘with’ and the ‘you’ haha)

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  23. I gotta agree with Kelly here, he got that gf awefully fast, so it’s highly likely he was more interested in “just having a girlfriend” rather than “having you” (I’ve been there myself: had a guy chase after me until I fell ill for a few months, he sure disappeared fast into the arms of another girl). As for still going after him now: I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who’d cheated on his girlfriend… even if it was with me.
    The older I get the more I notice the importance of timing in romance. I’m now trying to stick by a Steinbeck quote: “If it is right, it happens – The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.”

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  24. If he drops her for you then it means he could do the same if you ever get with him (properly). Also, if he’s willing to cheat/dump his girlfriend at the sound of your knickers dropping on the floor then is he really such an amazing man anyway?

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  25. How is it your blogs crack me up everytime I read them? I should know by now not to read them out at work whilst in the office, as I just burst out laughing everytime. “He should put it in me”. Great!

    As someone said, hopefully he/she is reading this now and he is currently on his way to your apartment. If he hasn’t read this and quite clearly doesn’t follow your blog then sod him.

    I would seriously invite him out for a drink though and obviously one thing would lead to another…….

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  26. You’ve totally forgotten the most important issue here. He liked Queen. Quoting one of their songs “another one bites the dust”. High five Lindsey x

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